Southern California - Kill Me Now

Over Memorial Day weekend, I traveled to SoCal to visit with some dear friends. I now remember why I moved away.

The first stop was the Huntington Beach Hilton where I joined a friend for breakfast poolside. We decided to sit outside so we could enjoy the sun, fresh air, and view of the ocean on the other side of Pacific Coast Highway. As we were seated, we immediately asked the waiter to raise a nearby umbrella to block the sun. Apparently, we did not enjoy the sun as much as we thought we would. As we indulged in our seventeen dollar pancakes and reminisced about old times, I was constantly interrupted by thoughts of our expiring parking meters adjacent to the hotel. I had to excuse myself at least twice to go and pump more money into so we could "relax" over breakfast.

Eventually I decided I could no longer afford the view of the recretional vehicles that filled the beach parking lot across the street and we decided to reconvene at a local strip mall where we could sit outside a Starbucks and park for free. Here, we still avoided the sun and now we had no ocean view. Breakfast - $45. Parking - $103 (all in quarters). Catching up with an old friend -priceless.

Next, I was off to Long Beach - my old stomping grounds - for an overnight stay with one of my best friends. It was just like old times - literally! You see, his one bedroom apartment has not been remodeled since 1962. We circled my friend's apartment for what seemed like hours looking for a place to park. Eventually, we got tired of circling and settled on a spot three blocks away.

At the kitchen table, I quenched my thirst with a diet soda and then searched in vain for the non-existent dishwasher to put my glass in. We opened the windows to let the admittedly cool ocean air breeze through the apartment because there is no central air conditioning. As the ocean humidity filled the room, I asked if I might do a load of laundry as I had packed lightly and was informed that his designated laundry hours in the shared laundry room were from 2am -3am on Wednesday nights (or some such nonsense) and that doing laundry was out of the question.

Later we took his dog for a walk because she had been locked in the kitchen all day since he cannot afford a place with some sort of outdoor living area where the dog could excercise at will. While we walked, I caught a glimpse of the nearby apartment building where years earlier I had watched one of the residents pull a knife on a passerby. Turning my attention to the truly lovely flowers that populate the sidewalks, I pointed out an unusual and impressive variety that he said he had never noticed. Who can be expected to notice the flowers when you are too busy watching for knife-weilding neighbors? Still at $800 per month, I had to admit that his apartment was a bargain, especially since it was three blocks from an ocean park, which of course he had never personally visited.

The next day, it was off to Palm Springs for another reunion. As we drove, we traversed one freeway interchange after another. Freeway numbers in this part of the country are all preceeded by the word, "the" as if they are somehow unique. We all argued about the best route to take, finally deciding to allow our GPS to guide us. We took "the" 405 to "the" 22 to "the" 57 to the "60" to "the" 91 to "the" 10. Apparently we were not the only ones driving to the high desert this day and were almost sideswiped no less than five times. During our two hour drive, I remembered that it is against the law in Southern California to let people know your intent to change lanes by using your turn indicator. I also remembered that it was fuel efficient to drive three feet from the car in front of you at all times so as to cut down on wind resistance.

Upon arrival at the hotel, I had no choice but to listen as the guest next to me scream at the front desk clerk that he had spoken to "Jane" or "Joe" or someone and that he should be charged $189 for his room that night, and not the $219 as shown on his confirmation - and don't forget the 3% discount he was entitled to for using his American Express card! I decided not to announce that I had reserved the same room for less than $90 per night as I'm sure the front desk clerk was living in an old apartment that had not been remodeled since 1962. Surely he had come close to being killed several times while driving to work that day and was probably already having a bad day before he had even arrived at work.

After a lovely evening, we braved the freeways once again back to Long Beach and then on to LAX for our flight home. I noted that there seemed to be no rhyme or reason for the traffic patterns. The same number of people traveled at any given time in every direction, regardless of the time or the date or the city. Freeways and side streets were filled to capacity at all times in every direction. There was no compelling reason for the majority of people to head in the same direction, like in other cities, making it impossible to predict traffic patterns and avoid traffic jams.

I won't argue that Southern California has this country's most beautiful weather. But for me, the advantage of living there escapes me. Give me a Colorado winter day, automatic climate control, an unshared washer and dryer, a private garage to park in, an uncrowded freeway to drive on, and the freedom to enjoy it all without being trampled to death by the rest of the Souther California any day.