Sportcasters Should Take Valium

Recently, I was subjected to several hours of the year's most important television program, the NFL draft. I could tell how important the draft was because the four sportscasters that were hired to narrate the program, were talking and sweating like four cocaine addicts that had just been released from a year in solitary confinement and each handed a bag of drugs.

It turns out that this draft is a bit different than other drafts because the draftees have actually volunteered to be drafted - confusing no? It would be a more genuine draft if the camera were to zoom in on some shocked kid sitting in a library in Miami as he receives a phone call telling him that he has been drafted by the Bears and will be leaving for Chicago tomorrow.

For several hours television cameras zoomed in on excited young men having cell phone conversations and then suddenly donning a cap with an NFL team logo on it. Then, because the audience is too stupid to understand what this means, four excited sportscasters would break in to explain which team the young man had just been drafted by. They would then go on to explain that the weather in the city where the young man would play was very different than the weather where the young man currently lived. Finally, an older man dressed in a suit would walk across a stage to announce the same thing that already been shown to us on camera and then explained to us by the four overheated sportscasters.

Basically my question is this - what is wrong with sportscasters? Do they get this excited about everything? Do they go to a special school to learn synonyms for the words "won" and "lost"? Imagine for a moment if all television news personalities delivered the news in the same tone as the sports team. "The Taliban pulls away late to grab a 2-0 series lead against the Pakistani Army! Details at eleven!"