Too Old For Vegas

Some of you may still remember the glory days of Las Vegas when the drinks were free and the shrimp cocktail was cheap. If you do not remember free drinks and cheap food in Las Vegas, you also most likely do not understand the term “glory days”. Today, the only thing that is free in Las Vegas is a business card with a photo of a nude woman, handed to you on the sidewalk. The actual woman is not free, but might be considered by some to be cheap, though not in the same way the shrimp cocktail used to be.

When I was a young pup, my brother and I were roommates sharing a Southern California apartment. We used to ogle the print ads together each week in the L.A. Times, advertising incredible deals in Las Vegas. We would peruse them carefully and plan our next visit, always excited to see how much hotel we could get for our money. Once we were amazed to find an advertisement for round-trip airfare and a two night stay at a Las Vegas hotel for only $59.00 per person! We called immediately, eyes agape with astonishment at what we had just read, and asked if the advertisement was true. The woman on the phone said, “Jess, but jew haff to stay at the Junion Plassa.” With a look of confusion on my face, I held the phone to my chest to quiet my conversation and repeated what she said to my brother. “She says we have to stay at the Junion Plassa.”, I repeated. “Hang up”, he said. “I’ve never heard of it.” We were sure it was a scam. Still, we ended up landing a suite for only $39.00 per night at a brand-new hotel called the Rio.

Once in town, we would turn our eyes to the billboards to find the casino that offered the least expensive food and the cheapest blackjack table bets. One of our favorites became the Golden Nugget downtown. We would sit for hours under swanky chandeliers and play $1.00 blackjack while drinking free beer. Occasionally we would find ourselves as much as $10.00 ahead and would treat ourselves to a $1.99 New York steak and baked potato dinner in the coffee shop. Once after a quick $65.00 blackjack win, we sipped cocktails from the mahogany paneled bar atop the Landmark hotel’s (Google it) 32-story tower and took in the view. It seemed that we always ended up ahead of the game, even if only in the number of Heinekens we could consume before losing our money at the blackjack table. We were shrewd businessmen taking the casinos for all they had to offer.

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to visit Las Vegas again. As you all know, I lived there for many years, so it was a treat to see the city once again through the eyes of the tourist I am now. I was enticed with an email offer I received for a complimentary three-night stay at Aria in City Center, the city’s newest 8.5 billion dollar development. I was stunned when my reservation was confirmed for a holiday weekend! I was sure the deal would only be available on the third Tuesday of a month whose name contained the letter “K”. I snatched up two cheap plane tickets and reserved a car for the weekend. Upon arrival at Aria, I was blown away. The architecture of the complex was beyond compare. The hotel room was without a doubt the finest hotel room I had ever slept in. The next morning, I awoke as the automatic drapes opened themselves, to find a cup of coffee had been brought to me by my caring partner. I couldn’t believe how gullible these casinos were for allowing me to come. Don’t they ever learn?

What I didn’t know was that the coffee was $4.50 per cup. That morning, we had the breakfast of champions, a pair of hot dogs and sodas from Pink’s, the famous Hollywood hot dog stand; they cost $30.00. The dinner buffet later that evening was $35.00 per person. A cocktail at the casino’s bar was $11.00, while a glass of wine was $12.00. Before the gambling had even begun in earnest, we had spent well over $150.00.

We also noticed something odd about the casino’s patrons. They all appeared to be barely out of high school. Men wore hats, turned backwards of course, rendering them useless except when their Elvis-sized sunglasses were rested on the brims behind their heads. I thought this was an ingenious use for a hat brim as their sunglasses were undoubtedly too large to store in their shirt pockets. Women were dressed (if you want to call it that) in skintight dresses and high heels that were definitely intended to be seen and not walked in. Spotting hookers, an old free pastime for many Vegas tourists, was now impossible as they could no longer be discerned from the hotel’s registered guests. (Fashion tip for the ladies: if you have to have a bikini wax before you wear your dress, the dress might be a hair too short – pun intended.)

According to the mobile billboards on the Strip, hot babes were apparently now direct to you. (Had the hot babes been somehow detoured before now?) Minimum bets at blackjack tables hovered around $25.00 per hand. Fights broke out at the craps tables. Rap music blared at the swimming pool. On the way home, I overheard a young lady at the airport brag over her cell phone that she had, “like totally paid like one hundred dollars to like get into like a pool party.” The whole experience made me feel as out of place as a tube of lipstick at an Amish barn-raising.

I miss the old days, when the music at the pool had lyrics that were actually sung. A cocktail was just a free trinket dispensed to keep players at the blackjack tables. A hotel room was simply a clean, cool place to sleep between inexpensive meals. Vegas, you can keep your new megaresorts and Prada stores and Cirque du blah-blah shows. I miss feeling like a king with the city at his feet instead of a pauper begging the bartenders for free drinks. Somewhere, there must be a place for me. If any of you Vegas locals can tell an aging tourist where to go and feel like a king again, I’d sure appreciate it. I’m still too young to go to Laughlin.